Weekend Fun 47: San Miguel, Galman and Inuman

More than a week ago, August 21, was the 30th death anniversary of former Sen. Ninoy Aquino, husband of former President Cory Aquino and father of current President Noynoy Aquino. He was murdered when he got off the plane upon his arrival in Manila from the US. The Marcos government version then was that a hired killer, Rolando Galman, slipped out of nowhere past a thick phalanx of airport policemen and soldiers armed to the teeth, and shot Ninoy. That story is a hoax, of course.

Anyway, Filipino humor made fun of that Marcos government story. Among such humor is converting portions of the old San Miguel Beer (SMB) pale pilsen bottle's labels into a political comedy story. Here is one, invented by some friends way back in the mid-80s:

PALE PILSEN
Pag Ang Labanan Eh Patayan, Ingat Lang Sapagkat Etong Nangyari

SAN MIGUEL
Sa Airport Namin, Me Isang Galman, Umeksena Eh Loko

PALE PILSEN
Patay Aquino, Landing Eroplano, Pero Imelda Lusot Sana Eh Nabuko.
hehehe.

The original story of those old SMB bottle labels is that of a group who have a drinking spree. Really
heart-melting, dramatic story :-)

PALE PILSEN
Pag Ang Labanan E
Pabilisan, Ingat Lang Sapagkat Etong Nangyari.

SAN MIGUEL
Sa Aming Nayon
May Isang Grupo Uminom E Lasing

EXPERTLY BREWED
Erbe (beer) at X Ekis (gin) Pinaghalo Eh Rindi Talagang Lasingan Yan
Bawat Round E War freak Eh Di

PALE PILSEN
Pati Ako Lasing Eh
P____ Ina, Lasing Sila, Enjoy Na

AND BOTTLED BY
Ang Nangyari Dito
Bawat Order Tiyak Trouble, Lasing Eh, Dumampot
Buti Yelo

SAN MIGUEL BREWERY
Sampu Ang Naupakan
May Isang Gago, Umeksena Eh Loko
Binanatan, Rumesbak Eh Walang Enabutan, Riot Yan

PHILIPPINES
Pati Hostess Inupakan, Lahat Inupakan, Pati Pulis Inupakan
Nahuli Eh Stockade

NET CONTENTS 320 ML
Ngayon Etong Tangang
COnstabulary Nakatulog Tangengot Eh Nakatakas, Tumuloy Sauna
320 Masahe Lang.
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See also:Weekend Fun 43: Tales from Narra Dorm, UP Diliman, June 22, 2013 
Weekend Fun 44: Cow Economics, June 22, 2013 
Weekend Fun 45: Life is Like a Bikini, It is Brief, June 30, 2013 
Weekend Fun 46: Pork Barrel's New Names, August 25, 2013

Weekend Fun 27: Physics Jokes

I have posted here  Weekend fun 15: Political jokes,  Weekend fun 21: Humor in global financial turmoil, Math jokes - Weekend fun 22: Functions and equations, and  Weekend fun 23: Economist Jokes, it's now time for physics jokes.

1. A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report.
Police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
Atom: "I'm positive."

2. A seminar on time travel will be held 2 weeks ago.

3. A rocket explorer named Wright
Once traveled much faster than light.
He sat out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

4. Gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

5. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

6. When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

7. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.

8. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

9. Isn't it meaningless to speak of a 45 degrees angle unless you specify Fahrenheit or Celcius?

10. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

11. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

12. Doppler effect is the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

13. Lenz's Law: Everything you start works against you.
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Meanwhile, here are some cheesy pick up lines, gathered from facebook, some I have invented myself (#s 4 to 10).

1. Facebook ka ba? Bakit? Kasi...LIKE kita eh.

2. Google ka ba? Bakit? Kasi...nasa sa iyo LAHAT NANG HINAHANAP ko.

3. Email ka ba? Bakit? Kasi ...gusto kong ma-ATTACH sa iyo.

4. Youtube ka ba? Bakit? Kasi gusto kitang panoorin palagi.

5. Twitter ka ba? Bakit? Kasi gusto kitang ma tweet tweet palagi.

6. Yahoo ka ba? Bakit? Kasi gusto kong sumigaw sa tuwa pag nakikita kita.

7. Hotmail ka ba? Bakit? Kasi I feel hot tuwing nakikita kita.

8. Linkedin ka ba? Bakit? Kasi gusto ko ma-link sa yo.

9. Wordpress ka ba? Bakit? Kasi I'm lost of words to say or press pag nakikita kita.

10. Google+ ka ba? Bakit? Kasi gusto kong magaya sa inyo ni Nonoy 0+.‎
------

From Philip Baguisa:

Bangko (Bank) ka ba? Bakit? Kasi gusto kitang pasukin.

GMA 7 ka ba? Bakit? Kasi KAPUSO na kita

ABS-CBN 2 ka ba? Bakit? Kasi gusto kitang KAPAMILYA.

Girl: TV 5 ka ba? Suitor: Bakit? Kasi KAPATID lang ang tingin ko sa'yo (hehehe, BUSTED)
-------

See also:
Weekend fun 10: Gadhafi fashion, February 19, 2011
Weekend fun 11: More Gadhafi fashion, February 25, 2011
Weekend fun 12: Marcos corruption, February 25, 2011
Weekend fun 13: Economics of stimulus package, March 05, 2011
Weekend fun 14: Ghadafi's women bodyguards, March 05, 2011
Weekend fun 15: Political jokes, March 12, 2011
Weekend fun 16: Gaddafi cartoons, March 19, 2011
Weekend fun 17: Political jokes, May 15, 2011

Weekend Fun 26: Jokes in PH Elections

I dug these jokes in my email inbox, during the 2007 and 2010 elections:

1. Team Unity, Team Arroyo (TUTA) vs. Grand Alliance of Genuine Opposition (GAGO).
Iboto mga TUTA at GAGO sa Senado!

2. Girl: Lahat ng mga politiko, magnanakaw!
Man: Ang sakit mo naman magsalita!
Girl: bakit, politiko ka ba?
Man: Hindi, magnanakaw!

3. Q: Ano difference ng snatcher sa politiko?
A: ang snatcher, magnanakaw muna tapos tatakbo;
ang politiko, tatakbo muna tapos magnanakaw.

After the 2010 elections:

4. Reporter to Erap: Kayo na lang po ang di pa nagco-concede. Bakit po ayaw nyong mag concede kay Noynoy?
Erap: Ba't ako magcoconcede? E, nong bomoto ako, sabi ng PCOS machine, "Congratulations!"

5. Erap: "I refuse to conceive."

6. Erap: I will not conceive. Muli kong pinatunayan na hindi pa ako natatalo sa anumang elections. Even if I place second to Sen. Bong, balik naman ako sa Senate.

7. Erap: Where is Jinggoy? Pag nakita nyo, tell him that I will advise him to be a gentleman and to conceive na. He can again run for President sa 2016. Bata pa naman sya.

8. Erap writing in a slum book...

Favorite actor: ARNOLD SCHWARZ... (erase)

ARNOLD SHWARSEN... (erase)

SWHARZIN... (erase)

ZWARZEN... (erase)

ARNOLD CLAVIO!

9. Dati, ang tawag sa taong walang-hiya -- MAKAPAL; or KUPAL
Tapos mas matapang ang term -- GARAPAL
Ngayon iba na ang tawag -- MACAPAGAL

10. Today, wear BLUE if you are for GMA.
wear RED if you're for Erap.
wear YELLOW if you're for Cory.
wear WHITE if you're for Ramos.
wear PINK if you're for RUSTOM, TRUTH AND FREEDOM!

(Picture: Congressional Insertion)
11. BAYAAN MO NA Party list will produce a reality show. GMA, VP Noli, 20 senators and 200 congressmen ay ikukulong sa Batasan for 100 days: no visitors, no cellphones, no media.
ang magiging title ng palabas ay PINOY BIG PROBLEM!
--------

One more political joke:

A dying Maoist NPA fighter seriously wounded in a battle with the soldiers, he wanted to see and kiss a picture of Mao Tse Tung and Vladimir Lenin before he dies. No pictures of both men as their hideout were in a mess after the military attack. But they had one female comrade, so Maoist and Leninist that she had the pictures of both guys tatooed in her 2 legs!

The colleagues were able to persuade the amazon to show her thighs to her dying comrade, allowed him to kiss both tatoos... suddenly the lady shouted, "Ekkkhh! Karl Marx not included!"
--------

* Light jokes:

1. Q: Ano ang nauna, tsinelas o slippers?
A: eh di slippers. Bakit?
kasi sliFIRST, tapos, tsineLAST.

2. Differences among STRESS, TENSION, PANIC, and FREAK-OUT?
A: Stress -- if the wife is pregnant.
Tension -- if the gf is pregnant.
Panic -- if both are pregnant!
Freak out -- if the 2 plus the maid are pregnant!!!

3. Wife: maghiwalay na tayo!
Husband: Sige, hiwalay tayo! sa akin ang farm!
W: sa akin ang bahay!
H: sa akin ang kotse!
W: sa akin ang driver! mtagal na kami!
H: pwes, magpatayan na tayo, dahil akin syaaaa!!!

4. Lola: Pulis, ikulong nyo mr. ko, lagi nya akong dino-dog style!
Pulis: Lola, wala namang illegal dyan.
Lola: Sige, ikaw nga singhot-singhotan, tapos iihian ng nakataas ang isang paa!

5. 2 senior citizens at the church:
Husband: Hon, nakakahiya... napautot ako pero walang ingay. Naamoy mo ba?
Wife: Hindi, pero dapat palitan mo na baterya ng hearing aid mo!

6. Learn English:
nagbebenta ng isda -- SELFISH
palayain ang pusa -- PREDICATE
lahat sa kanan -- ALRIGHT
babaeng sa ilalaim nakatayo -- MISUNDERSTANDING
matagal nang bulag -- LONG TIME NO SEE

7. Nanay: anak, ano itong zero sa test paper mo?
Anak: nay, di po yan zero. naubusan kasi ng star teacher ko, kaya binigyan nya
ako ng moon.

8. Priest: Hinabol ako ng magandang babaeng hubad. Ginawa ko, dinamitan ko
agad! Kayo Bishop, ano gagawin nyo?
Bishop: Tulad mo, magsisinungaling din ako!

9. Beggar: boss, palimos po.
Boss: Iinom ka o magsusugal?
beggar: wala po akong bisyo.
Boss: sige, sama ka sa akin sa bahay para malaman ng nanay at mrs. ko ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo!

10. Kumatok ang 1 ahente. Pagbukas ni mrs. ng pinto, agad pumasok ang ahente at ikinalat sa sahig ang ebak ng kabayo.
Ahente: Ma'm, pag hindi nalinis ng Vacuum cleaner ko sa sahig ang ebak ng kabayo, kakainin ko ang mga yan.
Mrs. ay teribleng bata! umpisahan mo na pagkain nyan at BROWN-OUT kami ngayon!

11. Headline bukas, ngayon ang broadcast:
* Tahanang walang hagdan -- inakyat!
* Bakla, sumali sa away -- napasubo!
* Bagong tuli, nagyabang -- lumaki ang ulo!
* Unanong madre, napagkamalang penguin!
* Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ang paningin!
* Teacher nagkamali, tinuruan ng leksyon!
* Tindera ng suka -- tinoyo!
* Basurero nagsampa ng kaso -- binasura!
* Tubero -- nagkatulo!
* Mrs. ng photographer -- nakunan!

12. Pagdating sa kainan, ILONGO and weird.
Pag sila alok kain, sasabihin, "Kaon ta anay"
pag pinilit ka kumain, "Kaon ta bala"
pag pumayag ka kumain, "cge, kaon ta e"
pag pakainin ka ulit, "kaon kagid ha"

13. Ang tunay na kagandahan ay di nakikita sa pisikal na anyo ng isang tao kundi sa puso.
Yan! Yan...
Yan ang motto ng mga pangit!
Buti na lang ang sa atin eh, Handsomeness is contagious!

14. Anak: tay, may kamag-anak ba tayong mahirap?
Tatay: Meron, pero di ko kilala.
Anak: eh mayaman?
Tatay: Meron, pero di tayo kilala.

15. Money is relative.
More money, more relatives.

16. A Filipino went to the US, his American host showed all his gadgets commanded by remote control. After his return to PH, the American friend also came. Coming home from the airport, he honked his car horn and the gate was opened by his houseboy. Inside, he clapped his hands and shouted coffee. The maid then brought in barako. The American was impressed. The Pinoy said, "You have remote control, I have voice control."

17. American boy: You know the Pacific Ocean? Our great great grandfathers dug it.
Jordan boy: You know the Dead Sea? Our great great grandfathers killed it.

18. American boy: in America, we have dog clinic, dog hospital, dog cemetery.
Pinoy boy: do you have dog restaurant?
Am boy: No, because we love dogs.
Pinoy boy: We eat dog.
Am boy: but we eat hotdog.
Pinoy boy: No, we do not eat that part.
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See also:
Weekend fun 10: Gadhafi fashion, February 19, 2011
Weekend fun 11: More Gadhafi fashion, February 25, 2011
Weekend fun 12: Marcos corruption, February 25, 2011
Weekend fun 13: Economics of stimulus package, March 05, 2011
Weekend fun 14: Ghadafi's women bodyguards, March 05, 2011
Weekend fun 15: Political jokes, March 12, 2011
Weekend fun 16: Gaddafi cartoons, March 19, 2011
Weekend fun 17: Political jokes, May 15, 2011
Weekend fun 18. Gloria Arroyo cartoons, June 11, 2011
Weekend fun 19: Sic o Clock News, June 19, 2011
Weekend fun 20: Taga-UP Diliman ka Kung..., August 20, 2011
Weekend fun 21: Humor in global financial turmoil, August 21, 2011
Weekend fun 22: Functions and equations, September 17, 2011
Weekend fun 23: Economists joke, September 24, 2011
Weekend Fun 24: Water and the Professionals, December 17, 2011
Weekend Fun 25: "I Will Survive" by Gloria Arroyo, January 08, 2012

Weekend fun 15: Political jokes

1. Sign at the back of a septic tank truck:
CAUTION: this truck is full of political promises.

2. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying all the wrong remedies. -- Anonymous

3. These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others. -- Groucho Marx

4. Politics is the art of getting money from the rich and getting votes from the poor, on the pretext of protecting one from the other. -- Anonymous

5. Politics is the science of seeing and forecasting what will happen in the future, and the ability to explain afterwards why they did not happen. -- Anonymous

6. Reproductive Health (RH) Bill debate:
Cong. Pacquiao: Kung nag-condom ang tatay ko, walang 8 division world champion ang Pilipinas ngayon.

Cong. Lagman: Kung nag-condom si Diosdado Macapagal, wala sanang Gloria at malalaking problema ang Pilipinas ngayon.

7. Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. An American, a Mexican and a Filipino. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

American contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measurement, works some figures with a pencil, and says: 'Well, I'll figure out the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

Mexican contractor did the same measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

Filipino contractor does not measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: '$2,700.'

White House official, incredulous says, 'What? You did not even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid?'

'Easy, the Filipino explains', '$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico (winks)

The next day the Filipino got the contract.

8. Q: What's the difference between the corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines?
A: In the US they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to the US.

9. If a male judge makes sex, it's called Honorable Discharge.
If a Congressman makes sex, it's called Congressional Insertion.

10. Erap's Wisdom:
* Don't judge a book for you are not a Judge.
* Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
* Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you mine.
* An apple a day is 7 apples a week.


11. Presidential mottos:
Marcos - Mabuhay ang Pilipino
Cory - Tayo ay Pilipino
Ramos - Taas noon, Pilipino
Erap - Mabuhay, Casino Filipino

Gloria - Hello Garcillano